You don’t have to settle for a marriage where you no longer feel passionate for each other. It doesn’t have to be that way. And you don’t have to dismiss a lack of passion in your marriage as something that passes with time. It is possible to keep the passion going for as long as you both shall live.
Janet and I are living proof that passion can be reborn in a marriage and it can be sustained for a lifetime. This week we will celebrate our thirty-first anniversary and we are probably more passionate for each other today than we ever have been, in spite of the fact that for many years we struggled to even like each other. And even if you have lost the passion you once had for each other, it is possible to Get Passion Back into Your Marriage.
There are a few things we have learned from our experience about why passion fades and what it takes to get it back. So here are a few reasons we have found why passion fades in marriage.
Wounded hearts: Emotional pain is a killer to passion, whether it be from wounds of past experiences from childhood or other relationships or if the pain is from the current relationship we have with our spouse.
Unmet expectations: Disappointments, hurt feelings, and hopelessness often come from having expectations that are not met. And it is very common for expectations to be based on some false assumptions we have for our marriage.
Selfishness: It is a good thing to look out for our self, take care of our self, and have healthy boundaries for our self. But a self first mentality neglects the needs of our spouse and the health of our marriage.
Strife: Anytime there is ongoing contention and conflicts in our marriage our passion for our spouse and our marriage will be affected.
Busyness: A life that is too full with activity will rob our marriage of its passion. Even when we can justify ourselves because of work, children, or church, busyness will still take passion away from our marriage.
Stress: Over worked, too much financial pressure, too much drama, or any other form of stress will take the wind out of our marriage.
Boredom: Just the opposite of busyness but equally as subtle in the way it can creep into our lives and become our lifestyle. Life is meant to be lived and our marriage needs to be nourished with a healthy amount of activity.
Get Passion Back into Your Marriage.
Use process of elimination.
Eliminate quitting as an option. Take away any plan B and make your marriage work.
Eliminate critical thinking and speaking. Get control over your thoughts and get control over the words you speak and remove the negativity you have toward your spouse.
Eliminate making comparisons. It is good to grow your marriage and it is good to have positive influences around you, but it is bad to compare your marriage or your spouse to others.
Resolve conflicts. There are two types of conflicts in marriage, the ones you can resolve and the ones you cannot. In either case you have to determine to deal with the conflict as best as you can and then move on. Face the problems and solve the problems when you can. But when you reach a point where your problems are not being resolved you have to turn the problem over to God and let Him do the work. The Lord may work on your spouse or He may work on you, either way you will have to be patient and trust God.
Forgiveness. “A happy marriage is the union of two good forgivers.” ~Ruth Bell Graham. Forgiving your spouse over past hurts is essential to a healthy marriage, but equally important is having a readiness to forgive your spouse when a future offence will occur.
Be thankful. Your spouse and your marriage is a blessing from God. It is important to live every day with the thankfulness that you get to unwrap this gift in your life everyday.
Conscience awareness. The more you keep good thoughts about your spouse at the forefront of your mind the more you will find desire and passion stirring up in your feelings. And the more your spouse knows that you’re thinking about them a lot the better their response will be to you.
Serve. Take every opportunity to serve your spouse with acts of kindness or service. It will help you to take self out of the picture and be more aware of your spouse’s needs. And it will allow your spouse to see your love working in action. Again the more conscientiously aware of each other you are the more passionate you will be.
Set your priorities. Make your marriage a higher priority in your life. Next to your relationship with God your marriage should be your next highest priority, higher than children, work, ministry, other family members, or anything else. And remember, your lifestyle and how you use your time will reflect what your priorities are.
Margin. If your life is too busy or too stressed then you must create more margin in your life. Every part of your life has to have room to breath. Whether it be in your time or your money you must have room to wiggle, to move around.
Get physical. We live in physical bodies and life is experienced in the physical realm, so to get more passion in your marriage you will have to get more physical. Get active and enjoy life together and most important is do more touching, more holding, more kissing, and more making love.
Respond positively. Lastly, understand that your spouse needs to experience life in the physical realm as well. And if your spouse is true to you and the vows and commitment they have made to you, then that means they have chosen to limit their physical experiences with only you. So with that in mind it is extremely important that you do not refuse or reject your spouse in any way. Because every time a person experiences rejection it is like taking air out of a balloon and before you know it the passion is all gone. So give your spouse what they need from you.
The “wounded hearts” is a serious reason we think things build up with couples. One small thing adding up until one just can’t take it anymore. That is why we always try to talk things out as soon as they occur or as soon as we are calm enough to talk about it.
Cassie you are so right and yes talking things out asap is very important.
Thanks