Home » When to Hold On and When to Let Go

When to Hold On and When to Let Go

A marriage breakup is one of the worst crises a man or woman can face. So many emotions to work through. So much confusion to deal with. Trying to navigate it all is extremely difficult. Knowing when to hold on and when to let go is a bigger challenge than anyone else can possibly imagine.

hold on

If this is where you are today, I understand what you’re dealing with. I know the pain and confusion that is trying to consume you. You don’t want to be in this situation, but you are. So you’re searching. You need some answers. And you need some guidance.

Hopefully, I can give you some answers and guidance you’re searching for. This won’t be the answer for every unique situation. But, it will give you some basic guidelines for navigating this horrible place you have found yourself in.

When to hold on and when to let go

1)  Hold on to your covenant. Let go of the marriage you used to have.

Your commitment to your marriage covenant is in your hands. It’s your choice to keep or to give up on. You have every right to hold on to this commitment even if your spouse has chosen not to. You don’t need anyone else but God to agree with your decision to hold on to your covenant. And it’s up to you to hold on to it as long as it takes or as far as you can.

Holding on to your covenant is not the same as holding on to your marriage. You need to let go of the marriage you used to have. You may have to grieve the loss of what you used to have. But you must say goodbye to that marriage. Your old way of doing marriage didn’t work, so why would you want to go back to it. It’s time to let it go and make room for a new marriage to be built.

2)  Hold on to God. Let go of your spouse.

Your relationship with your heavenly Father is your most valuable relationship. No person or thing can take the place of God in your life. There is never a day in your life when you don’t need Him. So you must hold on to Him and trust Him to get you through this. He is the one who will never leave you or forsake you. The Lord is always faithful. He is for you and He always wants the best for you.

You have to let go of your spouse. You cannot hold on to another person as if they were your possession to keep. Even if you believe your spouse is wrong for breaking their marriage covenant, you have to respect their freedom to make that choice. You have to set your spouse free. And when you set your spouse free you honor them as a human being who has rights. Then, hopefully from that place of honor, you will lay the foundation for the restoration of your covenant and the rebuilding of a brand new marriage.

3) Hold on to love. Let go of selfish ambitions.

You hold on to love because of who you are and who you want to be. Allowing yourself to continue to love even in the face of pain and rejection is allowing yourself to become more like Jesus. You hold on to love in spite of the condition of your marriage. Your spouse may not deserve your love and may be far away from receiving your love. But that doesn’t have to stop you. This love is yours to keep and no one can make you let it go.

Real love is not something that only serves to meet selfish needs. You don’t choose love only when your spouse deserves it and pull it away as a means to punish him/her. Let go of selfish ambitions that are always about what’s in it for you. Let go of doing things and saying things that only serve to manipulate your spouse into pleasing your self-centered ambitions. That’s not loving and it will never give you the life and happiness you want. You deserve a better life than that so let that stuff go.

4) Hold on to connections. Let go of divisions.

As I wrote before, your connection to your spouse is key to growing a marriage and restoring a marriage. So you have to find those points of connection and you have to hold on to them. Whatever connection you have left with your spouse, you have to see how valuable it is. Even if it seems too small to do any good. Don’t underestimate it. Do what you can to hold on to the connection.

The opposite of what connects the two of you are those things that create division between you. These things can be hard to let go of because both of you can feel very strongly about it. But if you’re going to create a new path for your marriage to be restored, you will have to make some choices about the division you’re willing to let go of.

5) Hold on to hope. Let go of desperation.

Hope is as vital to your soul as air is to your lungs. You have to have it. And if anything threatens to steal your hope you have to fight to hold on to it with everything you’ve got.  If marriage restoration is in your future you will have to have hope to get you there. And if marriage restoration is not possible, hope will be necessary to rebuild your life in a new direction.

If you’re holding on to hope you have to let go of desperation. Desperation always comes as all hope seems lost. And desperation rarely brings positive results. Most of the time, desperation clouds sound judgment and causes men and women to do things they end up regretting. And desperation is always in opposition to waiting patiently on the Lord, which is what hope enables you to do. So let go of desperation before it does you harm.

6) Hold on to faith. Let go of what you see.

The bible says faith will take what we hope for and bring it into existence. (Heb 11:1) It says faith is necessary to please God. (Heb 11:6) And it says believers in Christ are to live life walking by faith and not by what we see. (2 Cor 5:7) So hold on to your faith. Don’t let any circumstance or naysayer steal your faith. Guard your faith with all your heart.

And if you’re holding on to the faith you have, then you will have to let go of what you see. Your circumstance can look bleak and impossible. This marriage breakup may look like it’s beyond repair. Now, I’m not suggesting you live in denial of the reality of the situation. But what I am saying is what you see in the natural will often lie to you. It may take more time than you want. But trust me, I’ve seen it happen. The Lord can be doing work on your spouse’s heart to turn them around and you will not see any evidence of it until they’re ready for you to see. So let go of what you see.


Holding on while also letting go is not easy. But if you’re wanting to give marriage restoration a chance you will have to find a balance between the two.


I’m sure there are many examples of how to hold on while letting go. If you would like to add some in the comments, please do so. We love to get your feedback.


Image by David Castillo Dominici at FreeDigitalPhotos.net


  1. Holding on and letting go is very tough when you are in that moment of oh heck what do I do now. Very good advice! Advice that can be applied to every “tough” situation life throws at us.

    Thanks for sharing.

    • David says:

      20 years she went Friday to lawyer done payed him years of fussing over money and intamcy it’s been close to four years no sex nothing she gets mad if I touch her but yet I’m not been perfect never cheated on her nothing I want to work at it she don’t I have a 15 and 18 year old boys I have no place to go except up to my sister’s in minnesota I thought about going up for 2 or 3 months to work on myself but having hard time leaving boys pp lease help thanks feels like someone has died I’m heart broken

  2. Hope Always says:

    My husband has made it clear that I need to stop looking for ways to connect with him. He is very bitter. He has filed for divorce and I am standing and praying for a new marriage with him. He refuses to let down the wall of hostility around him. I refuse to give up on our marriage yet I have a divorce to answer to

    Need help navigating this pain and come up with a plan to conduct myself in a Godly way and at the same time let my husband go.

    • I feel your pain!! My husband (he divorced me 5 years ago but i never referred to him as my x) returned to our hometown after 7 years as a result of a failed adulterous relationship. Since his return, his lived with our married daughter for the past 2 years but goes away to other towns then returns. I was hopeful of marriage restoration, after all, i’ve been standing for 7 years. at times it seemed like my husband wanted to reconcile and other times not. He has left yesterday again to another town/state to pursue a job (or so he says). This pain is so overwhelming that i just call out to the Lord for help, peace & comfort. The one truth i have learnt is that we cannot make anyone want us, love us or see us for the great women of Faith that we are. I am learning to give it all to God, not easy, but i am asking the Lord to take it since i am struggling to just hand it over. I agree with Pastor who says we can hold onto our covenant but not the marriage. It helps knowing that the pain i feel, our Heavenly Father feels the same pain too. I will not give up, give in, give out or give over. Seek God for guidance everyday. i know that someday we will be healed….. Jeremiah 30:17….. God Bless, you in my prayers

  3. Miriam says:

    This article speaks exactly to what I’m going through. My husband of 20 years decided to up and leave me. He blames me for all our problems and refuses all communication with me, but has yet to file for divorce. Praying that God helps me work through my anger and resentment in writing off this marriage and restores my faith and hope that things can turn around between my husband and me.

    • Roxanne says:

      Amen. We are in very similar situations. Mine cheated and walked away with his mistress. I divorced him because he was a serial cheater but I’ve been praying for our marriage for the last 21 years. We are divorced but I’m praying God changes his heart and remove the childish ways from him. Praying for reconciliation.

  4. Jorge says:

    Please, somebody pray for me. My wife thinks I have cheated at several point during our marriage. That is absolutely false. However, there is no way I can convince her otherwise. I’m shattered and at the end of the rope. She is very hard on me. I don’t deny I have flaws, I’m a sinner and I make mistakes. But none of them have to do with cheating or lying in any way to my wife. We’ve been through three therapists (our current one is actually very good) but I know my best defense will always come from the Lord. Please help me! Somebody pray for us! I don’t want our marriage to end, but I have considered divorce several times. God knows I love him, that I’m devout and that I try as hard as I can no to be an embarrassment to him. I’m as sad as I can be. Please, pray for us.

    • Jana Holmstrom says:

      Have you thought of becoming completely transparent with her? Allowing her access to your phone, turning your Location on, calling in throughout the day to ease her mind? I know you haven’t cheated but I have been cheated on and then later accused my husband of cheating when he had not. He would not argue his case or get defensive because I was wrong. The only way I got past it was when, consistently, he told me he wished I did not feel this way, pulled me close, reaffirmed his love, and asked me what he could do to help me feel more secure. With time, I didn’t feel a need to question And my insecurities went away.
      I hope that helps…

      • Jorge says:

        Dear Jana. Thank you for your answer. I’m always available, she has unrestricted access to my phone because therebis absolutely nothing to hide. Not a single thing. The only locked place in my life is the front door. Little by little, she’s become more trusting; I guess it has happened simply because the evidence (or lack thereof, in my case) is crystal clear. Next time, I’ll follow your advice. It seems loving and reasonable. I’ ll do my part and let God do his. God bless you and your family with all the best of his love.

  5. Ruth Labs says:

    It’s been over nine months since my husband left and although I love him as much now as I did then I’m finding it difficult to hold on and not give up waiting for God and my husband. Today I found out he’s cancelled our joint membership to various things which feels like the lose of yet another connection with him. I’ve let him go physically (I had no choice as he moved out while I was at work) but now I feel like letting go emotionally as I’m so tired. Please pray God gives me the strength to continue to wait and have faith.

      • Ruth Labs says:

        No, I haven’t given up though the thought is with me every day. It’s hard keeping going after thirteen months of separation, not knowing what’s going to happen. However I can’t give up, not because I don’t think about it, but because I can’t stop hoping one day the miracle will happen and we’ll be back together. God reminds me of his unconditional love for me, and that I should have this for my husband, and recently showed me it’s not my husband’s fault, it’s Satan’s for attacking him and speaking untruths to him at a weak time in his life. I don’t often have the words to express to God what I want to say so my favourite quote at the moment is “pray as you can, not as you can’t”, and this applies to daily life as well, ” do as you can, not as you can’t”. Don’t worry if you think about giving up, just ask God to give you what you need to keep going and he will. God bless to all those in this situation

  6. Michelle says:

    I have hurt my husband really bad. He won’t talk to me and he’s really fearful. I am a Godly woman. The separation is fresh so the wounds are really fresh. I am trying to seek God in all this and give it all to him. He says he wants it over but won’t get a divorce. I know he still loves me but doesn’t like the way i act. I need spiritual guidance on how to fix myself first and them my marriage.

    • Jen says:

      I am going through this same thing I had issues within in me that didn’t know how to handle from my past, I tried to work on them the best I knew how but wasn’t good enough my husband moved out two months ago and it’s painful daily. I have found a new understanding and love for the scripture and the word I pray everyday fist for God to continue his restoration in me to allow me to be the best person I can be and in turn I can be the best wife and mother and I pray for restoration in my marriage because I believe in my marriage covenant I believe in the promises I made to my husband and to god. My love for my husband is unconditional and I know that without a doubt now because he is being so unloveable his words are beyond hurtful and I know there is a stronghold over his emotions he his harboring resentment but won’t admit it so it just sits there he is determined divorce is the only option for us but my faith knowing Gods promises for me I can’t agree with that. Holding on while letting go is the hardest I have failed at that many times in the past two months but if it’s worth fighting for I’ve got to keep standing and believing my God is bigger than the devil on him! My husband is a God fearing man that’s why this is so hard for me because he know what’s in the word but he has allowed the devil to convince him that God is ok with him leaving his family I have listened to him talk with his friends about their marital issues and he is so encouraging telling them to fight for they marriage and not to leave their family but we don’t have major issues just little things that have turned bigger but fixable issue a and he walked out and my confusion has made me react with my emotions and he tells me all I do is push him away but for me I was just trying to fight for him. I have turned my life to the lord and fully surrender to him I believe he can restore anything it’s just hard to loose the one you love so much

      • Tara says:

        Oh wow, this is so similar to my situation. Thank you for sharing. 🙏🏽What is the update on you guys?

      • Anonymous says:

        I’m going through something very similar. This post has been years ago, but im wondering if there is an update? I’m prayed God restored your marriage

  7. Myron says:

    I REALLY needed this today, perfect timing. I’ve been separated from my wife of 17 years and children for 3 months now. She’s already moved on into another relationship, but I’ve learned to NEVER believe what she says and only believe 50% of her actions.

    I’m not giving up because I have faith, hope and a relationship with Jesus. I’ve invested myself into a Christian Relationship Coach and Personal Trainer too. I’ve lost 42 lbs in 3 months and my Christian Relationship Coach is helping me with my faith, prayer and a plan to restore my marriage and family.

    It’s differently not easy, but I’m prayed up and prepared for the LONG battle and fight that is ahead of me.

    Nothing is for certain or ever guaranteed, other than death. Choose today, to be the day that you make the change and difference in your lifestyle, faith and hope.

    Believe and have faith that GOD will restore not only your marriage, but everything that you lost, except time.

    I pray for everyone else that is experiencing this grieve and pain that I’m experiencing too. How you to choose to deal with this heartbreaking experience is up to you.

    If anyone needs to talk, I’m available.

    Be humble, seek his face, know that GOD wants to restore your marriage, trust him and more importantly….be patient.

  8. Mike says:

    Wow, I needed this today. My wife left two months ago and I’ve been battling that balancing act of keeping hope and letting go ever since. I’ve done some major soul searching and realized I was not the man she needed me to be. I had a true coming to God moment about three weeks after she left and I’ve been getting closer to God ever since. I now understand the role of a husband in a marriage and how I failed in that role. I’ve been praying that God help me find the strength to be the man and husband that He wants me to be. I’m going to church regularly and making some awesome friends, working out and eating healthy regularly (down 30 pounds!), I’ve ordered materials to start studying for the actuarial exams (something I’ve always wanted to do, but been too afraid to take that leap), and I’ve started seeing the world through my relationship with God and Christ. That last one has made all the difference in the world. I’m enjoying life again. I’m even finding joy in my teaching job like I hadn’t since my first year teaching. I’m making connections with my students in ways I never imagined. Even through all of these changes, I can’t allow myself to give up on my marriage.

    My family and non-church friends have all told me to let her go and move on with my life. They care about me and don’t want to see me hurt anymore, but I’ve learned from the bible that we must find joy through suffering. Which makes sense. There can be no light without day, similarly there can be no joy without suffering. My church friends, rather than tell me to move on and let go, have encouraged me to leave the success or failure of my marriage to God. To trust that He has a plan for me and that it is good. He will work to soften her heart towards me, but He will not force her to change her mind. He can guide her, but it will ultimately be her choice. However, no matter what she chooses, the suffering I’m experiencing now will make me stronger, wiser, and more capable of love the way God intends. I had to go through this to understand my relationship with God and the man I’m meant to be.

    I have thanked God every day for bringing her into my life. Her love made me a better man. Her leaving made me realize the man I have yet to be. I’m working hard to be that man and hope that God’s work is enough to encourage her to see those changes and open her heart back up to me.

    Only time will tell.

    • Jana H says:

      What an amazing testimony. My husband left almost two months ago and he seems to emotionally distancing himself more and more. I am devastated. I have noticed that I have stopped praying as much for God to bring him back to me but have been praying for his soul. My husband says he is “battling demons” and is struggling in his faith. I truly believe that praying first for his relationship with the Lord will lead to his turning back to me.
      Either way, I am trying to trust God’s plan.

      • Marie says:

        I am fighting an emotional fight with my husband who has a mental illness. He believes he has the right to control and manipulative me in order to get me to remain in the home, instead of visiting certain family members. Regardless of how he feels about them, I aput between a rock and a hard place choosing between my family and my husband. I tell him I don’t want to choose, I love you both, but he doesn’t care.
        I want to trust God to speak to and change his heart, but he’s not hearing the Holy Spirit’s prodding, or my concern for his mental instability. I am concerned he could get in a car accident if he doesn’t retake his drivers test like his psychiatrist suggested in his recent evaluation.
        I want to hold onto my marriage but he’s cruel and angry all the time and controlling and manipulative. I understand some of it is from mental illness, but he admits some of is intentional to get me to listen to him instead of being with my other family members. I feel isolated and unloved, and when he tries to apologize by kissing or touching me, I turn away because I know his actions are not really apologetic, and just to receive affection or intimacy on my part.
        I have been praying and have been married for 22 years to this man and 26 years loved him. But the past two years have been going downhill, and I don’t know what else to do. Giving it to God and Jesus until He can reach my husband. I’m at the point where I’m not in love with him anymore and don’t know if our commitment and covenant will survive.

        • Marie says:

          We have two teenage children, a boy and a girl. The boy is tired of us fighting and the girl is devastated by the emotional backlash. My husband is emotionally and verbally abusive but refuses to get therapy since we tried it before when we had been separated years ago. He is not physically abusive, but he likes to touch me in places and times when I am unwell or boy feeling like being intimate. I still try to kiss him when he’s not being manipulative or controlling or verbally abusive, but even while I’m trusting God for our marriage, my hearts not in it anymore. I don’t want a divorce but I feel like we’re drifting away from each other. What do I do?

          • Marie says:

            Can someone give me advice so I don’t devastate our two children by getting divorced and losing the only home they’ve ever known?

          • Marie says:

            I’m still fighting for our relationship and martiage but my husband doesn’t believe that God will help us. I think he’s stopped believing in Jesus and only watches church online or attends in person when our 13 year old daughter or I go with him. I had surgery a few weeks ago, so I am out of work and unable to attend in person. He thinks because I can’t be intimate with him in the bedroom right now, I don’t want to be affectionate at all, but that is his love language. I try to kiss him or cuddle and he just wants to play and touch and it’s painful since I haven’t recovered from surgery nor started physical therapy yet.
            I am the same Marie who is married to the mentally disabled husband of 22 years. He was diagnosed in 2007 but his disability is killing our marriage as he is becoming more verbally abusive, controlling and manipulative. I don’t want to lose the house or the kids’ rdspect- they love their sad but don’t agree with his actions or words.

            Any suggestions? Im not liking the person I am becoming in this marriage and I’m making all the sacrifices and compromises I can make. He’s refusing to change his attitude and I s jealous of the time I spend with my family since he doesn’t have a strong relationship with his own. Should I remain in this marriage and trust that God will speak to and change his heart, or should I let him go? I will continue to pray for him and our children no matter what God leads us to decide.

    • Keila says:

      Awesome testimony. I could have written this myself just the opposite though as I am the wife who was left. My husband told me he wanted divorce after 12 years of marriage and while currently deployed. It’s been almost 3 months and I can honestly say I have never grown as much in my spiritual walk as I have the past 2 months. It’s incredible that crying out to God was almost pointless because he literally never left me, I had left HIM! I realized I put my husband on a pedestal and rather abruptly God showed me that He should have been first. I am realizing now the wife I should have been (in a spiritual sense). I am pleading the blood of Jesus over our marriage and have faith that he will restore it until he gives me peace to move on.

    • Katie D says:


      Please give us an update. What has time been able to tell you?

      Your testimony is exactly how I feel. My Husband asked me to leave (I left because I thought he needed the space) a little over 3 months ago. I found out within days after leaving that he was in an emotional affair with a coworker. I keep hanging onto Hope that his heart will be softened and he be able to have the ability to let go of his anger and resentment. One thing I have learned is that silence can be so much deadlier than words spoken. For the words that aren’t spoken, you don’t really get to hear what the other person is saying.

    • Phil says:

      “Her love made me a better man. Her leaving made me realise the man I’m yet to be”. That is poetry right there my friend; your words resonate with me to my core. I’m a month or so away from the divorce being final and there is no communication at all. I’m more Spiritual than Christian, but I’m working on trying to hold my true faith that through the lessons I’ve learned and growth I’ve experienced our marriage CAN be fixed in my heart, while handing over hope that it WILL be fixed to the Creator and her free will. Her heart was once mine, but her future is hers to define.

  9. Anonymous says:

    I got married in March 2017, signed divorce papers in May 2017. My husband has always accused me of cheating months before we got married. But I thought maybe it was just a natural jealousy since he works in another country and we see each other after months and thought it will go away. We have been dating from 2013 and he has 2 kids and I don’t have kids of my own but have a good relationship with his children. We used to talk on Skype from 5am almost everyday until 7:30am, during my lunch break at work and from when I knock off from work 16:30 until midnight at times until after midnight . This was an everyday thing. The other day when I was getting home after work and was in the elavator , there was a guy also in the elevator , and I was on Skype with my camera on, he took a picture of the guy. This guy I donot even know him and I was not even talking with him . After some few days, he said to me I am cheating on him and he sent me a picture of that guy from the elevator and said , that is the guy I sleep with. I have told him I don’t know the guy and am not cheating but he did not believe me. He would say horrible things to me that will make me feel disrespected and not being loved and the next day he would send me a text saying that” it’s a new day, let’s forget about what had happened yesterday ” and I was not supposed to ask him the reason for he was behaving the way he did the previous day. most of our good conversations don’t end up nice most of the time, like the other day he said to me, ” I have a big secret and I am scared to tell him because I am scared that if I tell him he will leave me” . So I said to him I don’t have any secrets that I could be hiding from him and even thinking he will leave me. He said I was lying. He just went on and on about it and he would get so angry and even hangs up the phone . The next day, he will behave as if we never had that conversation . I felt like I was being controlled with a remote. His moods changes and each time I talk with him I had to pray in my heart that our conversation ends well. At times he will call me in the early hours of the morning and I will pick up and talk with him but aftersome few days he would say, when he called me he saw me making love to another man, and he would be crying when he says that. He will say to me, he sees me every night when he calls me, he sees me making love to another man. And he would say that I sleep with different men every single day, and he sees that . My husband will be crying when he says this. And I could see that somehow he believes that I do those things and he believes that he sees me doing that. The next day he would say again, let’s forget abt yesterday it’s a new day. Then I noticed he has a problem but I couldn’t figure out what it could be. I just prayed about it and asked God to give me guidance also. He came back home in March and we got married.we were together for the whole month of March and there were no problems no accusations at all. We agreed that I will resign in June and in August I would join him in the country where he is, together with our children . Well, he went back in April the 3rd. On the 10April, he started again with his accusations. I just didn’t know what to do anymore. He said to me, I was supposed to have resigned in March and go back with him , and according to him, I didn’t resign because I enjoy sleeping with men back here. Again I felt disrespected . I asked God to give me strength as I used to cry and felt for unworthy , being insulted that much by the person that I love and I got married to. All that I did was just to pray for his eyes to see the right things and his mind to be in a rational state. One day after we had finished praying at night while I was on my knees and thanking him for the prayer , he said to me I should close the door and put the dust bin behind it. And I asked him why must I put the bin behind the door , but he shouted. I got so scared and opened the door , I wanted to go to the kitchen to get the bin, but I didn’t even move one step, and he said to me” close that door! Shouting. And I closed it , he then said to me” You have just let him out” I asked him, let who out. He answered” The guy you were making love to . He said” you think that I am stupid , I saw you making love to him now in front of my eyes . I have told you I will catch you. ….I stood there…..still standing behind the door looking at him yelling at me. I put my iPad on the side of the bed and I kneeled down again and prayed . I was so angry at God, Andy asking Him where He was ? I said” God we have just finished praying for you and now my husband is accusing me of being unfaithful and I could see pain in my husband’ s eyes. Somehow he was seeing those things he said I was doing, and he believed that they are real. He was in pain. I prayed for myself and for him. He didn’t stop , as I was praying he was calling me names. He said to me I must move the camera to the other sid of the bed, and then went to the kitchen , bathroom and sitting room. He then instructed me to go to the other room where my 2 flat mates sleeps. Then one of the ladies woke up and let me in. I went in that room so that he could see there is no man. I cried, I cried because I could see pin in his eyes . I sure knew he was not fine. But still didn’t know what is happening to him. The lady spoke with him and told him ” your wife doesn’t do the things u are accusing her of. And he just he said the ladies are afraid of me they don’t want to tell the truth. I checked on the internet and matched his behavior to people with delusional disorder. I asked him to to see a psychiatrist or psychologist in country where he is and I didn’t succeed . Instead he said to me I have sex addiction and I am the one who must go to rehab. We got divorced but I still pray for him , I ask God to open his heart and make it tender again. That his eyes will be opened and his ears hears the truth. I pray that the broken places in him will be healed . I am still wearing my wedding band and still calls him my husband whenever I have to talk about him. I love him with all my heart and it pains me knowing that he is suffering believing in the things that are not real. I love my children so much . And now I have a fear that soon he will stop me from calling. Them even visiting them. I don’t know whether I should give or not give up. But what know is I will never stop praying for him, to get healed.


    • Ciera Sekyewa says:

      With all due respect to you and I know this is years later but I truly hope that you let that marriage go because there was absolutely no fixing that. Did you know that we go after and marry a person that God never approved of in the first place and this is an example of that. I truly hope that you understand your worth and how problematic it is to marry someone who needs psychological help.

    • Marie says:

      Anonymous, it sounds like your ex-husband has a form of bi-polar disorder and possible schizophrenia. I have a family member that had to be medicated and gave serious counseling for this as it was destroying his relationship with his wife. After he got help, the relationship still crumbled, but yesrs later they are platonic friends again and don’t act like they hate each other. I hope you are in a happier place than you were and trusting God to keep you safe and know He loves you unconditionally, even though this marriage didn’t work. It’s not your fault, you tried to make it last, but it takes two people to committ to their marriage Covenant.

  10. Reddie says:

    The hardest thing is to know the difference between letting go and giving up. I don’t want to ever give up on my husband even though he is far away, but I feel now is the time to let him go (if I am able). Please pray I can tell the difference and that God will be there to support me. Best wishes to all and may this new year see the restoration of many marriages. God bless.

    • Anonymous says:

      Letting go is so difficult and so full of doubt – if I let go will I ever get them back ? If I let go is it over ? If I hold on at least I have something left, even if it is just sorrow and sadness. Letting go requires strength and courage which can be in short supply when you’re alone – believe God will sustain you and not let you fall

    • Sedonia Elias says:

      I feel I married myself for the last 7 years. It’s been off and on battle after battle. And I’m so fed u with this

  11. David says:

    Foolishness. To believe God is going to do something. It is that logic, that has torn my heart out. My ex wife, in a 3 year affair with a married man. I tried to reach, love pray fast for two years. Nothing. She filed for a divorce. My children have been torn apart. She with a new man. Believe God is her life. I am still praying, loving and waiting on God. While, my spirit and life has been torn apart for years. I am sorry. I do believe in Jesus. I am so sad. Humbled. Destroyed. Holding onto Jesus. But, to think God is going to restore, when??? When my kids are 30. They have been in so much pain for so long. Because, I was a foolish to believe this. I still want to believe it. I have lost everything, including my job waiting on God to show up. Please forgive me if I have offended anyone. I just am not sure this is what God wants from us.

    • David says:

      We serve a living powerful God. My question, is why would he want for us to keep suffering? Please don’t give up based on my pain that has got the best of me. I have held onto these believes for years. At a great cost. I am just not sure any longer. God is able. The heart of God is restoration, and redemption. I am in, and have been in so much pain holding onto this logic. 3 children also. Jesus is real. Able. I just don’t know if he will.

      • Diamond says:

        I know this is old but We have to remember that God gives us free will. You Ex made a choice based on free will and you to have /had a choices to make and letting go is. Only by letting go can we move on. God can bring you peace and hippieness but you cant be holding on to the person whos not yours. your blocking the person who God has waiting.

    • Lehua says:

      I am so sorry for all the pain you have gone through and where you were. I am praying that God renews your heart and gives you peace. Having all that hurt stored up has to be hard to carry around. I also hope that you are able to forgive her one day.

      • Ruth says:

        Hi everyone! This breaks my heart to see so many broken marriages and family. The devil is a liar! He comes to steal, kill and destroy but Jesus came to give us life abundantly! The Lord changed my life when I was at my lowest point, broken hearted because my husband has left me. During that lowest point, Jesus met me and He showed me how much He loves me. I seek Him and devoted my time getting to know Him. He allows trials in our lives for our own good. Continue loving the Lord and all things will work together for good to those who love the Lord. He is more concerned about our righteousness and holiness than our happiness. And our spouse is not our enemy, Satan is. Our main prayer should be the redemption of our spouse’s soul. That the Lord will draw them closer to them and to soften their hearts. Only the Lord can change our situations. And only Him can change our spouse and bring them back to us. Our goal should be to seek the face of the Lord and pray that He would return our spouse to us a new person reconciled to Christ. Im praying that the Lord will give us all new marriages built on the rock with the same spouse but a new creation in Christ. I encourage you to read Romans 8:28, Philemon 1:15-16, Isaiah 54.

        • Anonymous says:

          Thanks Ruth, everything you wrote confirms how the Lord has spoken to me, I’m at the lowest point of my life and nothing appears to working out in my marriage. Thank you for the encouragement.

  12. Barb says:

    Wow, I hear all of your words and it strikes a chord with my heart… there are so many hurting wounded people and yet God is real and right here and just as the Bible says… He is near the brokenhearted and I can testify to that.
    I have never ever once doubted that God can heal and restore my marriage I just never was quite sure if he was going to or not… but I definitely know he is God I know who he is and what he is like and I know what he can do and that is the hope that keeps me pressing on.
    Bible verses sermons songs on the radio daily devotionals it just all comes together on a daily basis to remind me of who he is and what he can do….and that is why I cannot give up my stand…. I want to some days I just want to I go why am I struggling like this and you know if there weren’t so much at stake satan wouldn’t be making it so difficult for us to stand firm on the Word of God.
    I was married for 33 years when my husband left for work one day and did not come home that night …he sent me an email explaining his intentions to never come home again and I never saw him again….so far.
    He has been silent, gone over 10 years he’s been married in an adulterous union for 8 years, he is the woman’s 5th husband! and I go Lord how can their union bring your name Glory? and I cry out to God and I say why do you allow this? why don’t you just heal him as you have been healing me and reunite us that our new marriage would have a much stronger foundation in you and that our new marriage would bring glory to your name ….it’s like Lord why don’t you just do this? why the hassle? why the struggle ?and why the ….wait?
    all I can do is trust him he’s got this he’s bigger than this he can fix this and be all for his glory.
    I can forgive my husband I still love my husband I dearly want to see him come home one day and get to see him again however I want to say that I am only desperate for Jesus. I think that’s important.
    and though I can forgive my husband and still love him and extend to him mercy and grace and kindness, friends say he doesn’t deserve that and I agree but then neither do I or you …or you…. or you… but Jesus gives us those things anyway and if he extends those things to you and I then shouldn’t we in turn also extend them to others?
    I should be growing old with my husband by my side and because of Jesus Christ and the power of the Holy Spirit to change men’s hearts and minds and lives… after all it’s what God does and he’s very good at it but he will do it in his way and in his timing and it will be for his glory… and that’s important to remember.
    if you feel that the Lord has placed this upon your heart to stand with him for the healing of your marriage for the resurrection of a new marriage with your old spouse it’s important to be obedient… this may very well be the hardest thing you’ve ever done in your life but God put you right where you are …you are right where he has called you to be at this time and that is for a reason and it may not be easy but it will be for your good and above all it will be for his glory.

    • Anonymous says:

      Hi Barb,

      Your story is inspiring. If there’s a way we can contact you to have a deeper conversation it would be amazing. Your story strikes me the most because I also believe what you wrote. Even if the current circumstances are saying the opposite.


    • Patra Marie Suhr says:

      Your attitude and outlook is very inspiring. I would like to know how you are doing and if your situation has changed. I am a woman going thru a very trying time in my 27 year marriage.

  13. N says:

    My husband of 22 years just informed me that he’s leaving me (and our 3 teens). I have mixed emotions. He’s been physically and verbally abusive (to me, not the kids) for about 16 of those years, and while I consistently pray for it to change and for me to be a godly, loving wife, there have also been many times I’ve prayed that God would relieve me of this burden. Now that he’s leaving I feel both relief and guilt- relief that I won’t have to tiptoe around him anymore, wondering what sort of mood he’ll be in when he comes into a room. And guilt because I pretty much prayed for this, even though I know God hates divorce. What must God think of me? That I’m a coward for not being able to deal with it? That I’m faithless because I’m so willing to give up? What am I going to tell the kids? They don’t know how bad things were, and I won’t badmouth him to them. I’ve asked him to stay, but I know my heart is really hoping he won’t. How can I call myself a Christian when I can’t keep a simple promise I made to God?
    I appreciate the article. I’m just having a hard time seeing how I can apply it to my life.

    • Felix says:

      Breaks my heart to hear you say this N. We are people and people at best. That doesn’t say much. God is perfect. He knows we mess up all the time. You made a promise to Him. Yes…but Jesus made a promise as well. That He loves you so much that He died for you. That you will be His bride. Relationships can make us happy. But they can bring us pain too. Trust in God with all of your heart.

    • Megan says:

      Dear N – I cannot even imagine what you must be feeling, and I would actually love to know how you are doing now, about 3 years later. God loves you and has set an example for you in how to set boundaries. Did you know that God divorced Israel because of her faithflessness and lawlessness? And Judah was warned .. and close to also getting a divorce certificate. I believe he modeled that for a reason. If you can’t put boundaries around that person contributing to chaos in your marriage (and you probably won’t be able to), you *can* put boundaries around yourself (limiting his access to your heart, hurt, and vulnerabilities, second chances and more). Lisa Turkhuerst talks about this – and that there is a relationship between access and responsibility. You can only have level 10 access if you are showing consistently level 10 responsibility (in how he cares for your heart, your family.).

  14. Anonymous says:

    How do you let go of your wife and kids to put God 1st?

    Been married for 13 years and 3 kids and been separated for almost 2 years. 1st time my wife has called me mental this last weekend and it crushed me so much. So to here someone say let go of your marriage and kids and put God 1st…I might just loose them forever. How scary to do? How will they know im not abandoning them? But today will be day #1 that im going to try my hardest to put God 1st in everything even if I loose everything. Please pray my wife and kids dont hate me.

  15. britt says:

    I don’t know what to do anymore. He has ignored me for the last 2 days. Yesterday he texted me only once telling me he’s not ignoring me and just doesn’t feel good. He has used that same line quite a few times. He hasn’t had a home for us in 5 years come January. He had gotten on at an asphalt company at the end of July in 2019. I seen him once in January and I stayed with him where he’s staying at in his hometown for a little more than a month in June. I have only seen him those 2 times within almost 2 and a half years. I have begged him to get an OTR job again and us go on the road but he says he doesn’t want to drive again. That tells me he really isn’t trying to fix our marriage. He acted like he was all concerned when I hadn’t talked to him in some time by calling my mother’s work saying I’m missing and how he hadn’t heard from me. I finally gave in and now he has ghosted me once again. I just can’t believe this. I asked him the day before where he’s at and his response was “I’m at my girlfriend’s house.” That’s not the first time he has said that and said things to me like “it’s none of your business” and leave me alone” Just unbelievable. I really don’t believe it was a joke. I believe he is with someone behind my back. It’s just crazy how things are. Me and my son has been living with my parent’s for 5 years come January. His dad has him every other week and him and his fiance is supposed to be getting married in January and here I am on the verge of divorce. I have texted and texted him today and I get no response which makes me believe even more he’s doing something he has no business doing. He’s a meth addict on top of it. At first it was pills. The meth didn’t start until after 6 years together. Him, his mother and basically anyone they associate with does it and they smoke week and cigarettes. I don’t do anything like that. My family has been wanting me to be done with him and my mom has always said I should have never even been with him but I do love him so much still. I don’t know what it was but there’s was such a strong connection with him in the beginning. I have tried dating. Am I wrong for that? I have no money to hire a PI like I really need to do. I’m trying to start over because I completely relied on him for everything so I have no money of my own. I’m pretty sure his drug addict mother and their buddies has convinced him he needed to leave me and he just won’t come out with it and refuses to file. He has said at times he has no money to file and if I want a divorce for me to go file. I’m just heart sick and don’t know what to do

    • Danielle says:

      I’m so very sorry 😦 It hurts, and I know it. He’s flat out telling you he’s with his girlfriend. The best advice I can give you is to reread your post as if someone else wrote it, and then think of what you would say to that person. Meth is bad, I know it killed my father. It changes people. It hurts and damages lives. When someone is addicted to meth they do things that they normally wouldn’t do. Since he told you for you to file maybe you should? It’s your life and of course up to you, but it can bring you some closure and maybe let you move on? I’m not trying to bring you down at all. I know you’re in pain already. It’s hard for sure, and my prayers are with you.

  16. Audra says:

    Married 14 years-two elementary age girls. This is his second marriage. Haven’t been intimate in four months. Not sure if my husband has been unfaithful but he is definitely hiding things. He is not a believer. He said he didn’t want to work on the marriage anymore and says we lost the connection-we are temporarily separated the last four days. Trying to let him go and trust God’s plan. I am trying to be patient and not to give up hope.

  17. DP says:

    I’m trying to understand any of this! All I know is I died inside, and fight to go forward in any direction. I met my husband 17 years ago-and we actually only married a little over 5. We were engaged 7 years after dating, but finances and job prevented an earlier marriage. We had this amazing beautiful relationship… I prayed for him, and God sent him 3 weeks after that prayer. It took me 6 months of dating, till it hit me “Oh my…God answered my prayer” And our relationship was amazing. The year we were married, he suffered 2 significant deaths and he started drinking after 13 year sobriety. Me not a drinker or drug user, this shocked me greatly-but we fought thru it, and our relationship was still strong. We ended up buying our own home, and I truly thought he would be happier and stop drinking, but he didn’t. Instead it’s all he did, not helping around the house, or anything in the yard, he withdrew, but yet we were still connected, and loving. The problem started year of covid, and he connected with a female co-worker who was living with a man she claims she loved and was engaged to. Then why was she texting my husband late at nights? They started an emotional affair-him claiming his unhappy, we aren’t connected or intimate. I tried to be affectionate all the times, doing things for him, holding him etc.. but you know alcohol and drugs affect you physically. Yes we tried detoxes, rehab… and I did have him in rehab for 2 months-however little did I know the woman was in contact while he was away, feeding him all kinds of BS . I have him home one month sober, then bam, I come home he’s drunk. Tells me because he needs to tell me his feelings. He blamed me, for his drinking, his unhappiness-not connected etc… and he wanted to leave to sort things out. I was in a deep emotional breakdown, for I have been in love, and loved my husband more than life itself, and he always came first-even being a drunk. So two weeks I’m trying to say “okay, the drinking, now a divorce..” However he texts one day says he’s coming by and probably will stay. With a week home, he’s truly not working-drinkings, drugs…his brother/sister in law blaming me, saying get away from her you were happy with out her. They knew he was drinking at age 12, and only sober those 13 years because of me-so why was I being blamed? Next week I hospitalized him for mental breakdown and it was at that time I learned he actually had committed adultery with this woman (while she was living w/ her BF) she enticed my husband away from his marriage, slept with him, then dumped him to go sleep with another coworker. Yeah I know.and stupid me believe him when he told me he loved me, don’t leave me, what would I do with out you…we will get through this because we love each other. So we start to rebuild, I start to trust what he broke, because I loved him. Only to have this woman reconnect with him after she dumped the other coworker. So for over a year now I have had him spend so much time with her on phone, texting, going to her apartment-all both claiming they are just friends.. working on side jobs together yet he abandoned me, and our finances-again…causing us to be behind in house, utilities etc.. I tried explaining my thoughts, feelings…he ignores me. He’s go drinking with her, then her telling me kick him out, but she drinks with him? So since last summer I have dealt with him and her “friendship” and he doesn’t care it hurts me, and it’s hurting our marriage. He defends her, it’s not her fault-and now he wants a divorce because his feelings changed for me. He sees no future? It’s like who’s been here picking you up from the floor? Who’s worked to get you sober? I am still mourning what we had before the drinking, even though with the drinking he still acted like my husband. Loving, and yes I was competing with his bottle.

    So I am going to lose my home because he won’t let me have it, he is walking away claiming yes drinking hurt us, but I have changed. I say you changed because you allowed the devil in your life, meaning-he still is having an affair with her, and he allowed her to enter our marriage destroying it.

    Do I pray-have been since I met him, thanking God for bringing him in my life, and prayed for the demons to leave him so he’d stop drinking, prayed for our marriage to be restored=-prayed for the evil woman to disappear… I struggle with my emotions, my heart breaking-and trying to hold onto my dignity and respect for myself. Yet I dearly love him and enjoy him (not her)

    So how? How do I let go and let God handle it? I pray that, I pray to stop loving so I can let him go… I do want peace, but I only wanted to be married to him. I am lost and now financially ruined and cant refinance to buy him out of house-so I will lose the home I love and am comfortable in finding peace… I can let go of him, but I am not able to physically move and lose my husband too. I need prayers, a miracle for God to intervene and enter my husband heart.

  18. Nick says:

    My wife and I have been through some tough struggles in our marriage, we have endured distance due to the military and seclusion due to the pandemic but we finally were able to move in together after almost 2 years of long distance marriage, it has been tough, we had great memories, and I messed up many times. I stopped drinking but fell again, I messaged other females and lied to her, I didn’t cheat nor did I ever do it on purpose but I lied when she asked. She wants a divorce but after reading this it gives me hope, how can I let her know that me going to AA and Therapy will help our marriage? Or should I just let her see it on her own?

    • Anonymous says:

      Definitely let her know what your doing, without expectations tied to it. Then allow the change to show through.

      I am in a similar boat as everyone else. My husband and i have been together for 16 years. He recently told me he wasn’t sure if he loved me like I love him. This breaks every part of me because I know it is tied to my depression and lack of action towards bettering my mental health. All I can do is act and have faith that God will heal and restore all.

      This post is so encouraging!!!!

  19. Anonymous says:

    I’ve been married for 34 years I got married because she got pregnant I didn’t love her at first but I learned to love her she lied to me said she was taken birth control pills. I am in need of affection and love

  20. Carter says:

    As I write a letter to my husband to sat goodbye to our marriage of 25 years I found this article and it has given me some insight because God has not said it is finished to me regarding our marriage. I believe we still have many years of ministry together to help, encourage and love those to grow His kingdom. He wants a divorce and I will be signing my portion of the papers tomorrow. He was a pastor and had an affair with his secretary in March. We planted a church 15 years ago and it’s all gone due to his actions. When I say all gone I mean our life was ministry, dreams only God could complete.

    When I read he deserves respect as a human that hit me. See everything my husband has planned to end our marriage or thoughts of how he would control the whole situation God has smashed them right before our eyes. Last week I went to three places to have my portion notarized the person had left or took the day off. I just knew my husband wouldn’t believe I went to three places and he didn’t. I looked at this as God saying not yet. Some of the things God has stopped from happening is mind blowing and I give him all the praise.

    This story continues as I lay it all down for Christ to complete and get out of His way.

    • Phil says:

      You have it nailed! Lean in to all the signs you’re seeing and follow the path that is being laid for you!

  21. Jason Bemak says:

    I am going through the same thing with my wife of almost 13 years. We have been together for almost 15 years. She left me while I was at work without any contact. She was talking to another man a month before she left but she blames the arguments we had. These are prodigal spouses and they must go down the road to a rough life just like the story of the lost son. God has to teach them that life without a relationship with God only leads to death. I am also reminded of the book of Hosea in the Bible.

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