I understand why some think their marriage is over when the love they used to feel for their spouse now feels dead. After all, it seems ingrained in our thinking if something dies you must get rid of it and replace it.
A lot of people view love as something akin to planting a tree in the backyard. If it dies you dig it up and replace it with a new one. Or, when a pet dies and you replace it with a new one. We do the same with a lot of our relationships with other people as well. When friendships fade and die off, we look for new ones. When leaders or mentors lose their place in our lives, we find replacements.
It’s no wonder we approach marriage with the same mindset as we do all these other relationships. The feelings of love can and often do fade. And there are times when those feelings can be outright flat lined, dead, completely gone. But does this mean the marriage has to be over?
No, you don’t have to pronounce the marriage dead because the love feels dead. You can bring love back to life. You can recreate love and restored it.
Two types of love
There are two basic types of love. The love you feel and the love you do.
Some think the doing kind of love is only in response to the feeling type of love. And most of the time that is the normal way it works. We are usually motivated to act out of strong emotional love in our hearts. That’s when kindness and devotion show up in our actions toward the person who has captured our heart.
But there are times when the feelings of love come as a result of first doing love. When we commit ourselves to actions of love. Regardless of what feelings we have, something amazing happens. Our feelings start lining up with our actions. And thus we discover that love is a choice. It is a decision we make of our own free will.
We can choose to keep that love alive, or we can choose to let it die. Even in the most difficult circumstances. Even if the love we give is one sided and the pain of rejection threatens to quench the flame of our heart. We still get to chose if we will hold onto love, or if we will let love die.
Feelings of love are no different than feelings of happiness. There is always a trigger that gets the feeling going. Like happiness, you can lose the feeling of love at some point, but then with the right trigger, it can come back again. So when love feels dead, all you need is the right trigger. Or the right spark and you can bet that flame of love will come roaring back.
When love feels dead
Marriage is not meant to only be the result of love. Marriage is also designed as a relationship that produces love.
I found, through my own struggles in marriage, it was the marriage that saved our relationship. It was not our great love that first saved our marriage. It was first because of the importance of marriage we had to choose acts of love. Then our actions of choosing love began to save our relationship. And we kept choosing love as we rebuilt our marriage stronger than it had ever been before.
If we were dating when our feelings of love faded and died, we would have moved on. But the marriage motivated us to give more effort than we had ever given before. And that recreated a love that is more beautiful than any emotion that first brought us together. A love not birthed out of emotion and attraction. It’s a love that comes from deep down, gut wrenching will power, choice, and commitment. A choice and commitment that will carry us for the rest of our lives.
Extra help:
For more reading to help you on this subject check out some of our other posts.
- Can You Love Your Spouse Even When it Hurts?
- This Should Not Be Missing From Your Marriage
- What if You’re Not “IN LOVE” Anymore
- What’s So Wrong With “I’m Not In Love Anymore”
From other bloggers we follow.
- BEYOND WORDS: 6 WAYS TO EXPRESS “I LOVE YOU” WITHOUT WORDS
- Love is a Journey—Not a Free Fall
- LOVE IS BEST EXPRESSED IN SMALL WAYS
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My husband loves me and he shows it through working hard, providing, protecting, hugging, praying with me and being kind but one crucial act of love is missing. Intimacy.
He says that GOD tells him not to sleep with me or even spend alone time with me. He also says that its the “evil” spirits that I harbor that keeps him from being intimate with me. It’s been 3 months now with no sex or even quality time in closeness. I do not understand why GOD would even tell a man to neglect his wife in this way. I do not harbor evil spirits. I am a normal human being that believes in GOD ALMIGHTY, Prays, sing praises, and genuinely wants to be and do right in all my ways. I do everything that my husband requests of me and or what he allows me to do. I need help trying to understand this. He doesn’t explain it to me. He says that I don’t need to understand. To just trust and be patient … Can anyone relate with this situation? I am having thoughts of leaving my husband although I don’t want to, but it pains me to desire him but can’t truly feel him. I think sometimes, it’s better to be by myself and not be touched than to be in the presence of my husband while being intimately neglected. As I read the word of GOD, I get renewed and feel better. Yet nothing changes…. Day after day after day. I’m already at the point of not crying anymore. What should I do?
Wait, what??
Hope he does not have a health condition that’s make him dodge being intimate with you ?
It’s important to address both your emotional needs and your spiritual beliefs in this situation. Here are some thoughts and suggestions that might help you navigate this challenging time:
Open Communication: Try to have an open and honest conversation with your husband about your feelings. Explain how his actions are affecting you emotionally and spiritually. Emphasize that intimacy is a crucial part of a healthy marriage and that mutual understanding is essential.
Seek Counseling: Consider seeking professional help. Marriage counseling or therapy with a licensed therapist can provide a safe space for both of you to express your feelings and work towards a resolution. If your husband is open to it, religious counseling with a trusted pastor or spiritual advisor might also help.
Personal Reflection: Reflect on your own needs and boundaries. It’s important to prioritize your emotional well-being and spiritual health. Understanding your own worth and the importance of self-care is vital in any relationship.
Support Network: Reach out to trusted friends or family members who can offer support and perspective. Sometimes, sharing your struggles with others can provide comfort and valuable insights.
Spiritual Guidance: Continue to seek spiritual guidance through prayer, reading scripture, and talking with a trusted religious leader. Your faith can be a source of strength and clarity during difficult times.
Consider Boundaries: If the situation does not improve and continues to cause you pain, it may be necessary to consider setting boundaries or even taking a temporary separation to evaluate your relationship and your needs.
Self-Care: Focus on self-care and activities that bring you joy and fulfillment. Taking care of your mental, emotional, and physical health is crucial.
Remember, a healthy marriage is based on mutual love, respect, and understanding. It’s important that both partners’ needs are acknowledged and met. If your husband’s beliefs are causing harm to your well-being, seeking help and exploring all options is essential for your own happiness and health.