Is Your Heart Broken For The Right Reason?

Do you have a broken heart from the marriage crisis you’re dealing with? Does your world feel shattered and crumbling all around you? And does it make you question how much you can stand or how long can you endure? If your answers are yes, I know how you feel.

Because fighting to save a marriage is one of the toughest ordeals a person can ever experience. The heartache and pain can be so tormenting that it makes it hard to function in any other area of life. And there are times when the pain is so hard to bear. All a person can do is shut it off by staying busy with other areas of life. Either way it seems like life is just a blur and all you can do is try to survive it.

But I have another question for you. A question I believe can make a huge difference in how you get through this experience.

Where Marriage Healing Begins

Your marriage is suffering and needs healing. The desperation you feel causes you to try everything you know to reconnect with your spouse. But for some reason your marriage continues to struggle. Are you missing something? What will it take to get the healing process going in your marriage?

The desperation I felt to save our marriage was tremendous. I waited so long for signs of hope and yet so many times my hopes were dashed. I had no problem accepting the fact that I had hurt our marriage. So all I could think of was trying to find some way to fix the problems I helped create. Read more

Do You Get Tired of Holding On?

Do you ever feel tired and want to give up? I know how you feel. You just don’t know if you can take it anymore. You wrestle with the desire to quit, but your belief in staying committed to your marriage keeps you holding on. The heartache, the tears, the weariness, sometimes feels like more than you can bear. And there are times when you don’t see any hope of things getting better. All you can think of is running away. I get it, I have been there too.

If I were going through what I went through before, one of my favorite songs would probably be. “Say Something (I’m Giving Up On You).” It’s one of those sad songs that captures the kind of heartache I used to feel. With tears blinding my eyes I would have been singing along with the lyrics. “You’re the one that I love and I’m saying goodbye.”

What Does a Good Marriage Look Like?

The desire for a good marriage is a strong desire for most people. I’m sure most people who are married or hope to be married want their marriage to be good. But how do you know if you have a good marriage if you’re not sure what a good one looks like?

Sure, you can look around and compare your marriage to other couples. If theirs appears good you will want to know if you can have what they have.

If you think their marriage is built on great friendship, then maybe that’s what you need to have. They could be good communicators. Maybe that’s your answer. If they are romantic and affectionate with each other, that could be what your marriage needs. Or if they report having a very satisfying sex life you could think that is your answer as well. All of these and so much more are great qualities to have. Read more

When You’re the Only One Trying to Improve Your Marriage

Can one person make a difference in their marriage even when their spouse is not trying? YES, they absolutely can! There is no question that even if only one spouse is trying, they alone can make a huge impact on their marriage. And if only one person is trying there is still tremendous hope for the marriage.

I know some might say, but, it takes two to make a marriage work. I know because I have heard someone say that to me before. And my reply was, “yeah, but it only takes one to quit.”

It is true, to make a marriage work the way God designed it to work it does take two. Both spouses work together becoming one.

But the question for some is, what good can one person do when they are the only one trying? Read more

5 Reasons Why Dating is So Important

Dating your spouse should be a high priority in your marriage. If you don’t want to neglect your marriage then don’t neglect to date your spouse. Too often couples only think of dating as something they do before marriage. But when they think that way they lose out on this valuable resource for reconnecting with their spouse. I know that’s the way it was in our experience.

This Valentine’s Day, Janet and I plan to go on a date for the evening. This will be our 40th Valentine’s date. It’s a little extra special because it’s also the anniversary of our first date. Although we do not plan to go to the drive-in movies again, we do plan to do something special.

But the truth is, we don’t just date on Valentine’s Day, our birthdays, or our wedding anniversary. No, we try to make dating a regular part of our life. We don’t go out to dinner once a week as some do, but we do go when we can.

Secrets To Great Marriage From A Former Unhappy Wife

One of the hardest things I have had to come to terms with in my life is the fact that I spent nineteen years of my marriage being an unhappy wife when all along I could have been a very happy wife. I’ve had to mourn those wasted years. They are gone now and there is nothing I can do to get them back. That’s why I am so thankful the Lord is redeeming that time for us.

Though if I could, I would go back and talk to my former self. Because there are some things I would like for her to know. There are some things I would like to say to her to encourage her and reassure her. So I would say…. Read more

Can You Balance Your Partnership and Friendship?

Every marriage should have a good balance of partnership and friendship. It is difficult and there are many couples who fail at it every day, but it is possible.

Marriage is the only relationship where we should have both partnership and friendship. Ordinarily, in any other relationship, it is considered unwise to mix the two. A business partnership that starts from friendship will usually hurt the friendship. And a partnership that develops into friendship can hurt the partnership. Unless everyone understands the difference and they are able to balance the two properly.

When is it Okay to Talk About Past Hurts?

“The past should be left in the past.” I’m sure many of us have heard this at some point in our marriage. I’m sure many of us have said this ourselves at some point. But the question is: is it ever possible to talk about the past and the hurts from our past? And if it is, when is it okay to talk about it and when is it not okay and how do you know the difference?

We have had this discussion many times with couples in our marriage class. And it is from our own experience that we give some very simple advice on the subject. Because for years when our own marriage was suffering, I was always the one who said the past should be left in the past. I never wanted to talk about the past. I felt it would stir things up and cause a huge argument. And it was because I had already asked for forgiveness for what I did. I didn’t like having my past held against me.

But along the way I learned a very valuable lesson. It was after the fourth and final time our marriage had reached its breaking point. We were in a state of limbo. We were still living in the same home, but our marriage was in trouble and it looked hopeless as I tried to convince Janet to not give up. She said she wanted out of our marriage and so we were planning to break up in a way that would not hurt our children. And as it turned out, our trying to plan for the right timing bought us time to fix what was wrong.

We went on to spend a year and a half in that limbo state. There were times when it looked like we would stay together and there were times when we lost all hope. I even moved out twice during that time, only to move back in a day later. It was a crazy and extremely difficult time. But the blessing of that time was, we began talking in a way we had never talked before. We weren’t arguing or fighting anymore. Instead, we became very open and honest with each other. We kept finding ourselves talking about the past. Only, this time when we really talked about the past it was like we were unraveling a mystery, the mystery of what had gone wrong with our marriage.

We now thank God for that year and a half we spent talking like that. We know it was His grace working in our lives that helped us recover from our past hurts and rebuild a solid foundation for our marriage. And so it is from that experience that I know there is a place where couples need to talk about their past and any unresolved hurts from the past.

So, when is it okay to talk about past hurts?

I have two simple rules I give to couples on this issue.

1) You have to walk in forgiveness at all times.

Forgiveness is a choice. You choose to forgive what you already know about the past and you choose to forgive ahead of time anything you learn about the past once you start talking about it.
Forgiveness is also a gift. You have to be willing to freely give forgiveness without expecting your spouse to somehow earn your forgiveness.
Forgiveness opens the door. If you want a really deep intimate relationship with your spouse, you will find that talking about your past hurts can bring healing and closeness in a way you have never had before, but you have to walk in forgiveness to get there.
Ask for forgiveness. In places where you are the one that has hurt your spouse, don’t demand that they forgive. Humble yourself and ask for their forgiveness.

2) Are you using the past as a weapon or a tool?

Never use the past as a weapon.

This happens so many times during conflicts out of hurt or anger. One spouse brings up the past in the conflict to gain an advantage over the other. It’s also used to hold the other spouse in permanent punishment for what they did. Which also goes back to the forgiveness issue. Sometimes this weapon will show up as a dagger. It’s used to give little jabs at the other person just so they never forget what they did.

You can use the past as a tool.

A tool is something that will help you build a better marriage. Anytime you are able to sit down and have an in-depth conversation about one another’s feelings you are working in a positive manner to build a strong marriage. Even if those feelings are about something from the past.

Just because something from the past has been forgiven does not mean the hurt from it has been completely healed and often when the pain is deep there is a struggle to forgive. That is why it is so important to be open to discussing the past. Our goal should be to help our spouse heal and if that means being vulnerable enough to discuss the past, then that is what we must do. We should never be so eager to move on from the past that we neglect to help our spouse through their own journey of healing.

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